CINE MG

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010)

2010-03-22T04:00:00.004+02:00

This movie is for Ancient Greek mythology, innumerable times worse than Frau Aphrodite giving the finger. And it gets worse every minute all along. It so bad, it’s not even funny. Percy comes from Perseus. I thought it came from Pepsi – at least that explains all the gas from my mouth during this puny-piece-of-shit movie. Well if the son o Poseidon is the every day loser given condolences from

2012 (2009)

2009-11-29T01:15:00.003+02:00

What kind of seriousness can anyone expect from a disaster movie based, not just on a usual bogus prophecy, but a rumour involving a not at all existing prophecy? Nonexistent.That’s the whole deal of a movie that was specifically created in relation to an upcoming date-event point, that because it is THAT pointless, nobody bothered to show any genuine attention to the overall decency of the

Highlander III: The Sorcerer (Highlander: The Final Dimension) (1993)

2009-11-14T01:18:00.004+02:00

I had a very bad feeling, earlier, from Highlander 2: the Quickening but somehow Sean Connery managed to bring there something from the immortality of the original.Not any more. Not any-fucking-more. The Quickening led into a quick-sand with no bottom. The downgrading experience offered from then on, from the Highlander franchise, is so tormenting, that it makes you feel that every movie last

Get Rich or Die Tryin' (2005)

2009-10-18T21:24:00.002+03:00

The title marks a breakthrough in social ethics and that’s the only mark that this movie can leave in the viewer’s consciousness. Even the hard-core rap fans won’t be all that excited about the idealization of a full-of-meat dog that he can’t act for shit – hell! – He can’t even narrate his, supposedly, own life story in a straight and convincing way! All the qualified qualities of uncultivated,

FeardotCom (2002)

2009-09-26T12:40:00.005+03:00

I fear that that this movie doesn’t even worth a dot – even worse, a whole review. A haunted web site (!!!) drives mad and kills its viewers with an effect that looks like an Alien Disease Haemophilic Stroke backed up by Dementia Episode, because a psycho doctor (how original!) tortured and killed a girl many years ago, and still keeps doing it to others on camera. A cheap rip-off of the “Ring”,

Epic Movie (2007)

2009-09-18T01:46:00.004+03:00

Epic - Fail! I rarely have the most unwanted chance to witness such a genre-generic disaster. This means a thriller that doesn’t thrill, a horror that doesn’t horrify and, speaking of the Devil (not in Prada but in a Carmen-electric-blue tight latex-epic boobies!), a comedy less than comical. Despicable and disgusting cliché humoristic approaches, way over the regular offensiveness of the “

Dragon Wars (D-War) (War of the Dragons) (2007)

2009-09-13T19:29:00.005+03:00

Lets scorch quickly through this draconic carcass: Lord of the Rings orc-like armies (yeah, they wish!), Crouching Tiger-Hidden dragon flying martial art wannabe geniuses, over-the-top-of-my-patience behemoth artillery, non-function pulp fiction story, Sauron’s little brother starring as the main villain, non-important mysterious shape shifting helper, ancient amulets of idiotic power (something

Basic Instinct 2 (2006)

2009-08-25T03:53:00.016+03:00

This movie belongs here marginally. But even so, here is where it belongs. Do you know what really, REALLY bugs me about this movie? The fact that it really could have had been an awesome MILF-Thriller.First and foremost I can’t help but saying that this movie marks the most monumentally outrageous, non-chemistry couple of all times. Sharon Stone (Catherine Tramell – quite like the overconfident

You Got Served (2004)

2009-08-21T03:04:00.014+03:00

Back in the old days we had the martial art competition b-movies usually ending up in one on one showdown. Interesting, even if not original, after the first hundred times. The trend of crowdie dance competition movies that followed, put the 00s era one step closer to boredom and repetitiveness, and without the interesting mentors that marked the aforementioned genre.Everyone has a small part in

Anaconda (1997)

2009-08-13T22:56:00.010+03:00

I admit that initially the trailer led me to pretty high action expectations, but fortunately I was saved by an unmistakable rule of a thumb, before going to feed the “snake” with eight euros: no matter what, when the main actors of a movie are not actors at all, you know you are heading to a dead end in the jungle. Here is a slithering example of casting disaster. Along with the usual bait is

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

2009-07-23T01:26:00.011+03:00

After the first Transformers movie – although feeling CGI filled and fulfilled – I practiced the apparel act of wisdom and roguery to download a really good copy of this one. Riskless beat careless big time, this time! I was already aware of director Michael Bay's tendency of making mindless popcorn props with huge explosions, scantily-clad women, and awful cheesy dialogue. What’s so bad after

Double Dragon (1994)

2009-07-20T14:51:00.006+03:00

“Unholy Ug-Lee-ness”My first acquaintance with the Double Dragon feature film was during my vacation, in an open summer theatre, in 1994. I remember that when I walked out of that theatre, it took me some time to come to my senses, to think what I had just had seen, and then I reconsidered throughly all my ill fated experiences in cinema up to that point. Then in a realization of utter

Alone in the Dark (2005)

2009-07-05T11:41:00.011+03:00

I am really glad that I threw another one and a half hour of my life in the shit-hole, because without this movie I truly would have forgotten of how great naturally untalented examples like Christian Slater, give contradictious meaning to the whole Hollywood display.I haven’t played the video game, but I really hope that this movie is very loosely based on it. If I had, maybe I would have

Terminator Salvation (2009)

2009-06-10T21:40:00.034+03:00

I won’t even start with the – whow about a hundred word script?? Better movies had less. I don’t even attempt to tread in this endless minefield full of plot holes and troublesome inconsistencies. The Terminator timeline already laid in a shattered loop of dismay since T3, and SCC only made things worse – all things considered, a pretty satisfying series besides this.But here, the timeline of

Angels & Demons (2009)

2009-05-14T18:51:00.018+03:00

Science and Religion. Light and Darkness. Truth and Lies. Matter and Antimatter. All destined to cataclysmically neutralize each other in a single touch, with any small or epic scale, “evil” or “good” plan to compromise these values, destined to fail in the long run. Those were the simple, core concepts of the Angels & Demons novel by Dan Brown. Or shall I rather NOT elegantly put it – Matter of

Batman & Robin (1997)

2009-04-26T22:46:00.017+03:00

Holy Crap Batman! This is your typical "absolutely cannot fail" franchise (Alien, Terminator etc) film gettingass-raped by studio execs making crucial content decisions, when they have no talent, gut or sufficient background to do so. The

The Spirit (2008)

2009-04-05T12:37:00.013+03:00

A parody? A comedy? A romance? A film - noir? A mystery? An adventure? Is it possible to cut my wrists with a movie ticket or else with the battery door of the remote control? Smart asses usually point out that cinema is first and foremost about visuals and imagery.Yeah, right, that’s the spirit.Unfortunately, that isn’t The Spirit. Here you‘ll become witnesses – sorry I meant martyrs – of how a

Catwoman (2004)

2009-03-26T16:47:00.017+02:00

This movie is so rightfully bad that we don't even have to compare Halle Berry with the catwoman archetype Michelle Pfeifer to make a point.Bloopy and unbalanced action that doesn't succeed in making a climax worth watching, totally out of place hip-hop aesthetics because some assholes think that every movie with black people got to have such, three writers for a story that could have been easily

Showgirls (1995)

2009-03-11T14:58:00.015+02:00

Vile vs. Bile. Paul Verhoeven directed this bag of sleaze, but like a lot of his movies, there is this mood of depression, showing life at the bottom, where it can’t get any worse. If you've seen Total Recall, RoboCop and Starship Troopers you'll notice this running theme of his. That makes good cinema sometimes. But this time made a bad excuse of a social parody.Wow! Paul is reeeeally tough if

Terminator 3 - Rise of the Machines (2003)

2009-03-08T03:36:00.015+02:00

Kristanna sucks & $ucks – without even being really more advanced than T1000. Arnie wears starlet gay shades. Dane is out of the game. So, come with me if you want to live. I' ll go watch another movie, have a snack, take a leak and then go to bed. Not because this movie is awfully bad or anything to deserve being posted here - after all it is the blog's loud & proud cheerleader - but because

Step Brothers (2008)

2009-03-08T02:01:00.013+02:00

I loved you Will. I really did. After your animalistic part in Zoolander. After your absolutely first class hilarious report in Anchorman. The comedy blast Talladega Nights, with that other hill-billy guy that I never remember his name, still drives me crazy with laughter. Blades of Glory cut sharp into boredom and demureness. Even the Napoleonic Mormon Moron looked ok by your side. And your

Wanted (2008)

2009-03-05T20:43:00.015+02:00

Yeah girls... I wanna do things to James McAvoy too... Not really things - just one: dissuade him from making ANY more movies! But discouraging an untalented cute-face is one thing and discouraging a whole industry from making such idiotic, mindless, action flicks is way different.Totally one of us city boy, turns into a mystical super hitman by fate and Angelinic providence in a movie that tries

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (AVP 2) (2007)

2009-03-03T13:52:00.013+02:00

Ingredients: an alien hunter with a dubious samurai code of honor and "get-rid-of-the-corpse" techniques from Nikita. Some Alien crap for the grinder. Their ugly, kitsch cross-breed that doesn't belong anywhere in this film. A side story cliché love affair just to keep the girlfriend of the sucker who paid for this movie from totally getting bored or disgusted. Not so sharp visuals. Awkward

AVP - Alien Vs. Predator (2004)

2009-03-02T20:26:00.010+02:00

As if it wasn' t already too much as a comic and a video game, here comes the movie to drag this thing waaaay TOO far, and without really evolving the two franchises. And BLOODLESS?? Gimme a break guys! Put the kids in bed alright so we can at least watch a decent splatter!Do you think that I'm dead bored in taking this thread any further?You don't even know just how right you are!

The Wicker Man (2006)

2009-03-01T18:53:00.012+02:00

Hey boys! Did you see what happens when women take the upper hand? When the feminine element comes to power? When those "evil, pagan, goatish" nature lovers go unchecked? When we turn away from the "true" God, to the "false Great Mother Nature cults"? Wiiicked cinema that is! So, go to church, believe in lies and be in heaven's improbable guest list. Not even close to a decent thriller, another

National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007)

2009-02-28T23:25:00.017+02:00

Ok, it's overly better than National Treasure. Ok, it's even better in the details than National Treasure.But, you know something - deep down inside lurks the sound of the same old song. And pleeeease don't feed me with the usual "movies are all about entertainment not politics, religion or philosophy" stuff. Even pure and unconditional entertainment is a policy of its own. You know it. I know it

National Treasure (2004)

2009-02-27T11:46:00.019+02:00

Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" major worldwide success in 2004 swept a great deal of rusted & rotten ideas away from the minds of a great number of people, bringing on the usual churchly menace and controversy. Once more, riddles, ancient mysteries, conspiracies, codes and the works, became a trend. Everyone wants to turn from Yellow to Brown.Then, just after a year, this