Cine Machine Gun

Movie reviews and controversy with a vengeance
The absolute aftermath of cinematic experience
Only the Worst of the Worst

Read & Weep


Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010)

This movie is for Ancient Greek mythology, innumerable times worse than Frau Aphrodite giving the finger. And it gets worse every minute all along. It so bad, it’s not even funny. Percy comes from Perseus. I thought it came from Pepsi – at least that explains all the gas from my mouth during this puny-piece-of-shit movie. Well if the son o Poseidon is the every day loser given condolences from Hollywood’s industry, and Hermes’ son is a cutie playing Call of Duty, then the door of the Underworld is the door at a cinema near you. The elder centaur Chiron turns out to be a baby sitter whose undercover identity is being Stephen Hawking. And this is only the beginning for something I don’t even have neither the time nor the patience to criticize further. Only the costumes honour the ancient Greek tradition indeed by coming more like from an 80’s Greek production. I dread the little illiterate farts that will get to know ancient Greek mythology from this movie. I repeat: NOT EVEN FUNNY.


2012 (2009)

What kind of seriousness can anyone expect from a disaster movie based, not just on a usual bogus prophecy, but a rumour involving a not at all existing prophecy? Nonexistent.
That’s the whole deal of a movie that was specifically created in relation to an upcoming date-event point, that because it is THAT pointless, nobody bothered to show any genuine attention to the overall decency of the undertaking. Repent, because the world will end in a biblically childish, corpse-less and bloodless global destruction, backed by a brain-offending scenario, overblown drama, overflowing shallow performances among which even Woody Harrelson’s looks like an artistic magalith, tons of quaky special effects with ambiguous quality and detail, extremely painful, slow and lengthy progression, factual error cataclysm and the most apocalyptically, ridiculously blown out of proportions nail-biting escapes I’ve ever seen! All these, all over, again and again, without mercy or a long longed world end to save us from this misery of the intellect. Emmerich staffed the entire possible extravaganzas in one last destruction film that unfortunately won’t self destruct in just a few seconds. Comparing to this, Independence Day is a masterpiece already and even The Day After Tomorrow seems SO much more appealing to me.
Trust me once on this one pals and don’t wait until 2012 to find out, about just how globally big bullshit this movie really is!


Highlander III: The Sorcerer (Highlander: The Final Dimension) (1993)

I had a very bad feeling, earlier, from Highlander 2: the Quickening but somehow Sean Connery managed to bring there something from the immortality of the original.
Not any more. Not any-fucking-more. The Quickening led into a quick-sand with no bottom. The downgrading experience offered from then on, from the Highlander franchise, is so tormenting, that it makes you feel that every movie last for centuries. Additionally, the inevitably B-figure of Lambert looks nothing like a hardened-millennia-surviving warrior and Peebles looks more than a high junkie than a low-character, cunning sorcerer. The not so sharp but inventive and well executed production of the original, turned gradually to that of a C(heap) movie triviality, with the literally original saga turned into a far-fetched ridicule of one encounter after the other, after the other, after the other till – desperately and seemingly – the End of Times. The otherwise “rare” breed of immortals seems virtually uncountable, spawning in every new instalment from everywhere with more than unbelievably cheap excuses – from the by all other means – excellent Highlander the Series, made things a lot worse, and the movie sequels came later to mark the tombstone of the franchise’s immortality. What a dreadful waste of… just everything! Don’t even dare bringing this sequel’s sequels in your mind guys – you might just end up B-headed.


Get Rich or Die Tryin' (2005)

The title marks a breakthrough in social ethics and that’s the only mark that this movie can leave in the viewer’s consciousness. Even the hard-core rap fans won’t be all that excited about the idealization of a full-of-meat dog that he can’t act for shit – hell! – He can’t even narrate his, supposedly, own life story in a straight and convincing way! All the qualified qualities of uncultivated, barbaric, moronic goons are hailed and present: crack, coke, dope, nope, respect, criminal justification, dark heroic bullshit and star-dusted epics from the gutter to the stage. Thankfully, directed better than hoped or deserved, this up-close-and-personal movie has to be in every dead from a shoot-out nigga’s showcase, so that the others may draw some cool inspiration out of it. I really don't think that this movie worth even 49 cent worth of laptop electrical power to download it.
Get ditch and die cryin’.