2012 (2009)

What kind of seriousness can anyone expect from a disaster movie based, not just on a usual bogus prophecy, but a rumour involving a not at all existing prophecy? Nonexistent.
That’s the whole deal of a movie that was specifically created in relation to an upcoming date-event point, that because it is THAT pointless, nobody bothered to show any genuine attention to the overall decency of the undertaking. Repent, because the world will end in a biblically childish, corpse-less and bloodless global destruction, backed by a brain-offending scenario, overblown drama, overflowing shallow performances among which even Woody Harrelson’s looks like an artistic magalith, tons of quaky special effects with ambiguous quality and detail, extremely painful, slow and lengthy progression, factual error cataclysm and the most apocalyptically, ridiculously blown out of proportions nail-biting escapes I’ve ever seen! All these, all over, again and again, without mercy or a long longed world end to save us from this misery of the intellect. Emmerich staffed the entire possible extravaganzas in one last destruction film that unfortunately won’t self destruct in just a few seconds. Comparing to this, Independence Day is a masterpiece already and even The Day After Tomorrow seems SO much more appealing to me.

Trust me once on this one pals and don’t wait until 2012 to find out, about just how globally big bullshit this movie really is!

Highlander III: The Sorcerer (Highlander: The Final Dimension) (1993)

I had a very bad feeling, earlier, from Highlander 2: the Quickening but somehow Sean Connery managed to bring there something from the immortality of the original.
Not any more. Not any-fucking-more. The Quickening led into a quick-sand with no bottom. The downgrading experience offered from then on, from the Highlander franchise, is so tormenting, that it makes you feel that every movie last for centuries. Additionally, the inevitably B-figure of Lambert looks nothing like a hardened-millennia-surviving warrior and Peebles looks more than a high junkie than a low-character, cunning sorcerer. The not so sharp but inventive and well executed production of the original, turned gradually to that of a C(heap) movie triviality, with the literally original saga turned into a far-fetched ridicule of one encounter after the other, after the other, after the other till – desperately and seemingly – the End of Times. The otherwise “rare” breed of immortals seems virtually uncountable, spawning in every new instalment from everywhere with more than unbelievably cheap excuses – from the by all other means – excellent Highlander the Series, made things a lot worse, and the movie sequels came later to mark the tombstone of the franchise’s immortality. What a dreadful waste of… just everything! Don’t even dare bringing this sequel’s sequels in your mind guys – you might just end up B-headed.

Get Rich or Die Tryin' (2005)

The title marks a breakthrough in social ethics and that’s the only mark that this movie can leave in the viewer’s consciousness. Even the hard-core rap fans won’t be all that excited about the idealization of a full-of-meat dog that he can’t act for shit – hell! – He can’t even narrate his, supposedly, own life story in a straight and convincing way! All the qualified qualities of uncultivated, barbaric, moronic goons are hailed and present: crack, coke, dope, nope, respect, criminal justification, dark heroic bullshit and star-dusted epics from the gutter to the stage. Thankfully, directed better than hoped or deserved, this up-close-and-personal movie has to be in every dead from a shoot-out nigga’s showcase, so that the others may draw some cool inspiration out of it. I really don't think that this movie worth even 49 cent worth of laptop electrical power to download it.
Get ditch and die cryin’.

FeardotCom (2002)

I fear that that this movie doesn’t even worth a dot – even worse, a whole review.

A haunted web site (!!!) drives mad and kills its viewers with an effect that looks like an Alien Disease Haemophilic Stroke backed up by Dementia Episode, because a psycho doctor (how original!) tortured and killed a girl many years ago, and still keeps doing it to others on camera.

A cheap rip-off of the “Ring”, executed in a tornado of visual mess with pretended atmosphere, shallow and colourless performances by Blade’s vampiric arch enemy and a next door scientific lady that probably would have been better as a wife than as a leading actress, a script full of over-preposterous contradictions, chaotic gaps and ridiculous inconsistencies, absurd plot points and story-unfolding and really unauthentic scares using pacing, angles and tricks that the average horror movie fan has been sick and tired of them many years now. The film colours and the initial development are pretty promising, only to sell you out pretty quickly afterwards, with a totally unconvincing story stuffed with the worst things imaginable which – by the way – neither can make any sense in a link, nor can be explained as stand-alone plot features. The villain is a mad, weakling, hilarious piece of shit that nobody knows how he stayed out long enough to commit so many crimes online, and the ghost drama – well this ghost (too hot to be dead mrs. Cukrowski!)has so many issues and so forced and deliberately complicated ones (yeah, that’s the real drama of wannabe “intelligent” films) that it would have been easier for it (and more logical to the viewer) to self-banish itself killing its nemesis with a psychic fart, than creating all this fucked-up-broken storyline of events.

Fear this movie beforehand people, because this is a horror flick that may not pull a scream out of you, but will definitely nail a fat headache in your scull.

P.S. Is that a Harley Quinn poster from the Batman comics, or that of a transexual Joker??