Cine Machine Gun

Movie reviews and controversy with a vengeance
The absolute aftermath of cinematic experience
Only the Worst of the Worst

Read & Weep


Catwoman (2004)

This movie is so rightfully bad that we don't even have to compare Halle Berry with the catwoman archetype Michelle Pfeifer to make a point.
Bloopy and unbalanced action that doesn't succeed in making a climax worth watching, totally out of place hip-hop aesthetics because some assholes think that every movie with black people got to have such, three writers for a story that could have been easily written by a ten year old taking a morning crap, evil-bad acting throughout the whole movie from every living soul having a part, a monument of plastic surgery called Sharon Stone way beyond the end of her career and CGI of a third class video game that no one ever bothered to play. Batman would have commited suicide if he had watched this one, but he has a couple of his own reasons to worry about - both directed by Schumacher.
This time, curiosity won't kill the cat, but it will certainly kill the viewer's good taste.


Showgirls (1995)

Vile vs. Bile. Paul Verhoeven directed this bag of sleaze, but like a lot of his movies, there is this mood of depression, showing life at the bottom, where it can’t get any worse. If you've seen Total Recall, RoboCop and Starship Troopers you'll notice this running theme of his. That makes good cinema sometimes. But this time made a bad excuse of a social parody.
Wow! Paul is reeeeally tough if you ask me. Especially, when it comes to robocops and, recently, robosluts. Mean machines that operate on money and produce pleasure and pain. I’ve been thinking of this since Basic Instinct, Sliver and the works, but this movie really got the best of Paul – away.
Let’s see: hard-boiled brothel veterans, literally tough-ass chicks, a red-neck vampire lesbian dominatrix, a fat-mouth-fat-chance lady, dirty cash, Flashdancing stars and sex, not on the beach but certainly on the bitch. Hookers take it all-everyone else shall fall. The movie follows the destiny of a walking bag of “fuckin’ hostile” trash named Nomi Malone (played by Elizabeth Berkley whose acting comes in two flavours: blank and blink) who has killer looks and the brain of an appliance bulb. She's a leather-clad, bad-chick from the wrong side of the tracks who hitches to Vegas to become a dancer. How are we to be sure that she's bad? She wears leather, carries a switchblade and cakes on enough make-up to make the Joker cry. Perhaps, she figures, all that badness makes her a human shield against that cold and unfeeling landscape of bitter failure and resentment known as Las Vegas. When she gets there she finds that Vegas is, well, a cold and unfeeling landscape of bitter failure and resentment. Well, everyone knows that life is a bitch, but Paul throws a looot worse in our face. Over-swearing, over-bitching, and overacting. And you know something? If it was meant to hurt that much, it would have been skip the “happy” ending. So, was it shock tactics or just sex tactics?? Usually, when sex scenes from movies come back to us, they come with a hard on. This is not so like the Showgirls. When I think of the "highlights" of this movie, I just want to puke at all things feminine, most of the times after extreme laughter. Indeed, when I saw Elizabeth Berkley flailing like an electrocuted dummy plugged by a dick, I was caught between sneering and abdominal disturbance. Cash in on Sharon’s fans and the past, genius, but I won’t invest my time and my admiration to you in this shiny-close-to-nothing.
Pass by for once the middle man called Verhoeven guys, and go download directly, full time soft porn.


Terminator 3 - Rise of the Machines (2003)

Kristanna sucks & $ucks – without even being really more advanced than T1000. Arnie wears starlet gay shades. Dane is out of the game. So, come with me if you want to live. I' ll go watch another movie, have a snack, take a leak and then go to bed. Not because this movie is awfully bad or anything to deserve being posted here - after all it is the blog's loud & proud cheerleader - but because the prequels make it THAT bad. And the Sarah Connor Chronicles series made it look EVEN worse. No. Not awfully bad. Just awfully NEEDLESS. The thing that sould no be. I'll be back. He won't. At least not before running for President, Worldlord and Galactic Emperor. Just hoping for me not being back with a posting for Terminator 4: Salvation.

P.P.S. Hope dies last, but dies ugly: see Terminator Salvation posting above...

Step Brothers (2008)

I loved you Will. I really did. After your animalistic part in Zoolander. After your absolutely first class hilarious report in Anchorman. The comedy blast Talladega Nights, with that other hill-billy guy that I never remember his name, still drives me crazy with laughter. Blades of Glory cut sharp into boredom and demureness. Even the Napoleonic Mormon Moron looked ok by your side. And your cameo appearance in that Wedding Crashers? Almost cult classic. So, what was that all about Will? Shoddy dialogue? Gags-rags?? Cheap tricks to force a cheap smile on my face??? Or just an unfortunate act of overacting???? You were a beacon of inappropriate, vulgar, childish light. You were a shining example of creative ridicule. You were Tom Burgundy. Ricky Bobby. Stuff of legend. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE - JIM CARREY??? F*ck you Will. F*ck you and then some. Try to be the real deal next time.
Shake & Fake.


Wanted (2008)

Yeah girls... I wanna do things to James McAvoy too... Not really things - just one: dissuade him from making ANY more movies! But discouraging an untalented cute-face is one thing and discouraging a whole industry from making such idiotic, mindless, action flicks is way different.
Totally one of us city boy, turns into a mystical super hitman by fate and Angelinic providence in a movie that tries to be realistic by not trying at all, funny and engaging by being silly and preposterous. And no guys, it can not succeed as an action movie parody because parodies are usually really smart and humoristic.
But what the hell is this? Have you ever seen more improbably ridiculous physics? No. More recurring, boring, fake special effects and situations? Not all in one movie alright. A more empty script full of cliché characters not even worthy in passing directly to the action figure industry? Probably not. Have you ever seen Jolie looking better? I think yes, but she can as well take this as a compliment.
This movie is a great example of extravagant nothingness in its purest form. A bullet train through our brain. Even Freeman's voice and posture couldn't have saved this one. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING AFTER THE DARK KNIGHT MORGAN?? The only thing wanted here is Jolie and you can find her in better overall shape elsewhere.
This is just what happens when a director used to overly masturbate watching the Matrix movies in three screens simultaneously.

P.P.S. James you know how much I don't like you, but you were suprisingly good in the Last King of Scotland. Way to go lad!


Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (AVP 2) (2007)

Ingredients: an alien hunter with a dubious samurai code of honor and "get-rid-of-the-corpse" techniques from Nikita. Some Alien crap for the grinder. Their ugly, kitsch cross-breed that doesn't belong anywhere in this film. A side story cliché love affair just to keep the girlfriend of the sucker who paid for this movie from totally getting bored or disgusted. Not so sharp visuals. Awkward patchwork of "spotlights" from ALL previous A & P movies. Virtually non existent actors (for the grinder as well) in a non existent story. Silly situations and improbable mistakes. Despicable direction. Result?? The set example for how to, not only, slaughter two great franchises, but keep them alive just enough to produce a probably even worse movie in the future. The Same vs. Shame


AVP - Alien Vs. Predator (2004)

As if it wasn' t already too much as a comic and a video game, here comes the movie to drag this thing waaaay TOO far, and without really evolving the two franchises. And BLOODLESS?? Gimme a break guys! Put the kids in bed alright so we can at least watch a decent splatter!
Do you think that I'm dead bored in taking this thread any further?
You don't even know just how right you are!


The Wicker Man (2006)

Hey boys! Did you see what happens when women take the upper hand? When the feminine element comes to power? When those "evil, pagan, goatish" nature lovers go unchecked? When we turn away from the "true" God, to the "false Great Mother Nature cults"? Wiiicked cinema that is! So, go to church, believe in lies and be in heaven's improbable guest list. Not even close to a decent thriller, another sly "meta-Da Vinci Code" bullshit with Someone-please-put-Nickey-in-a-Cage, acting a lot worse than in National Treasure disasters, obviously because he wasn't drunk as in Leaving Las Vegas. Once more, pure, simplistic propaganda which spreads fear and superstition through bad acting and boring direction. We 're not in 500 AD guys -> You gotta try harder!