Cine Machine Gun

Movie reviews and controversy with a vengeance
The absolute aftermath of cinematic experience
Only the Worst of the Worst

Read & Weep


FeardotCom (2002)

I fear that that this movie doesn’t even worth a dot – even worse, a whole review.
A haunted web site (!!!) drives mad and kills its viewers with an effect that looks like an Alien Disease Haemophilic Stroke backed up by Dementia Episode, because a psycho doctor (how original!) tortured and killed a girl many years ago, and still keeps doing it to others on camera.
A cheap rip-off of the “Ring”, executed in a tornado of visual mess with pretended atmosphere, shallow and colourless performances by Blade’s vampiric arch enemy and a next door scientific lady that probably would have been better as a wife than as a leading actress, a script full of over-preposterous contradictions, chaotic gaps and ridiculous inconsistencies, absurd plot points and story-unfolding and really unauthentic scares using pacing, angles and tricks that the average horror movie fan has been sick and tired of them many years now. The film colours and the initial development are pretty promising, only to sell you out pretty quickly afterwards, with a totally unconvincing story stuffed with the worst things imaginable which – by the way – neither can make any sense in a link, nor can be explained as stand-alone plot features. The villain is a mad, weakling, hilarious piece of shit that nobody knows how he stayed out long enough to commit so many crimes online, and the ghost drama – well this ghost (too hot to be dead mrs. Cukrowski!)has so many issues and so forced and deliberately complicated ones (yeah, that’s the real drama of wannabe “intelligent” films) that it would have been easier for it (and more logical to the viewer) to self-banish itself killing its nemesis with a psychic fart, than creating all this fucked-up-broken storyline of events.
Fear this movie beforehand people, because this is a horror flick that may not pull a scream out of you, but will definitely nail a fat headache in your scull.
P.S. Is that a Harley Quinn poster from the Batman comics, or that of a transexual Joker??


Epic Movie (2007)

Epic - Fail! I rarely have the most unwanted chance to witness such a genre-generic disaster. This means a thriller that doesn’t thrill, a horror that doesn’t horrify and, speaking of the Devil (not in Prada but in a Carmen-electric-blue tight latex-epic boobies!), a comedy less than comical. Despicable and disgusting cliché humoristic approaches, way over the regular offensiveness of the “wannabe a parody” tradition, lines cheaper than a beggars’ shoe, gags for retarded fags and jokes worst than the last slime & puke displayed in this film. Hey, we‘re not talking about “well, things got a little overly…whatever” or “this is always a risk with punch-like humour”. We are talking about the total absence of the inspiration and momentum that makes a good satire, well, a good satire. We are talking about everything looking so effortlessly bad that even all the intentionality is self-destroyed in a nuclear mushroom of nonsense – nuisance. Damn me if this movie did even try to force me into just a one and only hearty, reflexive, sincere laugh. And if you think I think all of these because I am European – who knows? You might be so fucking hilariously right!
Dumpshit spoof – is really gross!
Dumpshit spoof – I hate the most!


Dragon Wars (D-War) (War of the Dragons) (2007)

Lets scorch quickly through this draconic carcass: Lord of the Rings orc-like armies (yeah, they wish!), Crouching Tiger-Hidden dragon flying martial art wannabe geniuses, over-the-top-of-my-patience behemoth artillery, non-function pulp fiction story, Sauron’s little brother starring as the main villain, non-important mysterious shape shifting helper, ancient amulets of idiotic power (something like the Double Dragon), traditionally unlucky old men for more drama, false romance, false acting, IQ (de)testing improbabilities, a great struggle between good an evil that could have ended in 5’ with a couple of shells, and most of all, not always convincing special effects for a movie that totally celebrates CGI. A rotten egg that wanted to hatch Godzilla (unlike), Lord of the Rings (like), Cloverfield (unlike), Jurassic Park (liked the first one) and all the last decade’s oriental genre (like/unlike) simultaneously, but, well, it is rotten with absolutely no chance in succeeding at whatever, (obviously something very bombastic and fantastic) the producers had in mind. Save for the surprisingly good direction, which proves that even failed epics do not have to be epic failures, D-Wars overestimated itself very seriously with pretty hilarious side effects. Steer clear of this glossy, draconian pulp.