Cine Machine Gun

Movie reviews and controversy with a vengeance
The absolute aftermath of cinematic experience
Only the Worst of the Worst

Read & Weep


2012 (2009)

What kind of seriousness can anyone expect from a disaster movie based, not just on a usual bogus prophecy, but a rumour involving a not at all existing prophecy? Nonexistent.
That’s the whole deal of a movie that was specifically created in relation to an upcoming date-event point, that because it is THAT pointless, nobody bothered to show any genuine attention to the overall decency of the undertaking. Repent, because the world will end in a biblically childish, corpse-less and bloodless global destruction, backed by a brain-offending scenario, overblown drama, overflowing shallow performances among which even Woody Harrelson’s looks like an artistic magalith, tons of quaky special effects with ambiguous quality and detail, extremely painful, slow and lengthy progression, factual error cataclysm and the most apocalyptically, ridiculously blown out of proportions nail-biting escapes I’ve ever seen! All these, all over, again and again, without mercy or a long longed world end to save us from this misery of the intellect. Emmerich staffed the entire possible extravaganzas in one last destruction film that unfortunately won’t self destruct in just a few seconds. Comparing to this, Independence Day is a masterpiece already and even The Day After Tomorrow seems SO much more appealing to me.
Trust me once on this one pals and don’t wait until 2012 to find out, about just how globally big bullshit this movie really is!


Highlander III: The Sorcerer (Highlander: The Final Dimension) (1993)

I had a very bad feeling, earlier, from Highlander 2: the Quickening but somehow Sean Connery managed to bring there something from the immortality of the original.
Not any more. Not any-fucking-more. The Quickening led into a quick-sand with no bottom. The downgrading experience offered from then on, from the Highlander franchise, is so tormenting, that it makes you feel that every movie last for centuries. Additionally, the inevitably B-figure of Lambert looks nothing like a hardened-millennia-surviving warrior and Peebles looks more than a high junkie than a low-character, cunning sorcerer. The not so sharp but inventive and well executed production of the original, turned gradually to that of a C(heap) movie triviality, with the literally original saga turned into a far-fetched ridicule of one encounter after the other, after the other, after the other till – desperately and seemingly – the End of Times. The otherwise “rare” breed of immortals seems virtually uncountable, spawning in every new instalment from everywhere with more than unbelievably cheap excuses – from the by all other means – excellent Highlander the Series, made things a lot worse, and the movie sequels came later to mark the tombstone of the franchise’s immortality. What a dreadful waste of… just everything! Don’t even dare bringing this sequel’s sequels in your mind guys – you might just end up B-headed.