Alone in the Dark (2005)

I am really glad that I threw another one and a half hour of my life in the shit-hole, because without this movie I truly would have forgotten of how great naturally untalented examples like Christian Slater, give contradictious meaning to the whole Hollywood display.
I haven’t played the video game, but I really hope that this movie is very loosely based on it. If I had, maybe I would have sacrificed more of my time in this article risking permanent brain damage – a terrible loss indeed! Probable license defilement present though – as usual for VG adaptations.
Every thriller and mystery movie cliché is stuffed and stiffed here in the most inexperienced, discontinued, retarded fashion: childhood trauma, a mad scientist, a HOT scientific chick with an attitude (Tara Reid, please keep on sucking, but NOT in such a movie!), life–beaten hero with amnesia, tricks & tracks & artifacts, military heat, old & new gizmos and weapons of peculiar uses, ancient evils that lurk in the dark (when they show their face you know they should have been kept in the dark), CGI enough to suck, sudden moves, black-op macho-bullshit, unearthed arcana, hosts, psy-zombies and possessors all in one flick, pyramid origins (anything from Mumm-Ra and Gi-Joe to Transformers seem to have spawned from an Egyptian or South American lost civilization these days, just for the supposed coolness of it) paranormal poo, superstitions backed up by one-liner nonsense, quirky action, cheap sentimentalisms and video game cut scenes dressed in video clipping soundtrack.
Nice title though – but not even slightly close to make a cult legend out of this one.
The plot doesn’t have any holes or gaps at all. It has gorges Grand Canyon style. Improbable set-ups, explanations from the outer space, captive monsters which you don’t even know how they come to be in captivity, a love scene out of the blue and out of order, open ended chaos and total mess in every aspect.
The direction is on top of the worst, looking like a remarkably awful patchwork of B-series episodes, and when I say B, I REALLY mean BAD!
Of course the performances are to be forgotten even before you notice them, if you even get to notice them among the zero chemistry between the protagonists and the provocative shallowness of the characters in general.
Better alone in the dark than in the company of the non-talented-lot. Call me a sick person, but after this one, I deeply missed Silent Hill, Blade Trinity and even Resident Evil 2.